Decisions
by Soquilii
Summary: Chakotay makes the decision to leave Voyager. Can Kathryn let him go? DISCLAIMER: Paramount owns the characters and the premise behind Star Trek. This dates from the earliest days of Star Trek Voyager.


'I'm leaving Voyager. _For good,_ Captain. I've resigned my field commission. There's a padd on your desk - along with my comm badge.'

The blunt statement from her First Officer in answer to Kathryn's query was one she had not anticipated. Traversing the corridors of her beloved ship, greeting crewmen, performing minute checks here and there on the systems, she had spotted Chakotay. He had bridge duty; what was he doing out of uniform? She followed him into the transporter room. Now he was repeating that impossible phrase as if to pound it into her brain.

'Chakotay - _why_!?'

He simply stood looking at her, the smallest glint of a tear in his eye. 'I think you know why.'

'Chakotay! Can't we talk about this?!' she asked in consternation. He stubbornly shook his head. Without another word, he turned his back on her and stepped onto the transporter pad, medicine bundle and pack under his arm, and simply said, 'Energize.'

Kathryn stood helpless and bereft, watching his image glitter and fade within the beam. He never looked at her, not even a parting glance. She stared up at the Ensign who manned the transporter and caught his look of sympathy. Abruptly, she turned and headed for the bridge, burdened with the knowledge that she would have to tell the crew that Chakotay was gone.

As she walked uncharacteristically slowly through the corridors, her mind whirled with the ultimate consequences of this unexpected turn of events. Tuvok, of course, would have to be appointed her new First Officer. There was no other choice, and he was highly qualified; yet somehow Tuvok was never going to be quite the caliber of First Officer that Chakotay had become. The ship's whole command structure could be rearranged if necessary, but the man who was Chakotay would be gone forever - from his beloved Maquis, from the service of Voyager, _from her life_! It wasn't possible! She stood in the turbolift, arms folded, head down, dreading the arrival at the bridge when the doors would open and she would have to summon the senior staff to her conference room...

Chakotay's request for Voyager to orbit the planet below had raised some eyebrows, but the bridge crew hadn't questioned his orders. Now as he materialized on the crest of a small hill he took a deep breath. The decision to leave Voyager hadn't come easy to him. He had soul-searched for weeks before deciding that this was the only course open to him. Now it was done. He looked at the beauty of the nature surrounding him and felt a little better about his decision.

He had chosen well - a planet very like New Earth, similar enough to ease the longing he had in his heart for the place. Only this time he was alone. She was not here. She would never be here. She would never be his. He was resigned to living out his days here alone as opposed to living them in futile longing and denial on Voyager. It had become too much to bear.

He set off into the woods to begin, to rebuild his life.

The brief, solemn ceremony and formalities of change of command were complete. Tuvok took his place at Kathryn's side as First Officer, retaining the duties of Security Officer. Harry was promoted to Tactical, while Ensign Vorik took Harry's place at Ops. The bridge seemed strange to everyone now. Gone was the strong presence, the rock-steady individual with the dry humor that had helped put a good face on bad situations. Gone from the corridor in the Officer's Quarters was the frequent sound of the Sing and the incongruous scent of purifying grasses wafting through the air, telegraphing to those who passed, the times of Chakotay's meditations.

The Indian's essence that had washed over Voyager like a blessing had vanished. Kathryn was heartsick. As the days went by she commanded her ship dutifully but her spirit dragged. Everyone felt the loss; it was as if the ship flew through space with a hole in its heart.

Chakotay stood high on a cliff overlooking a riverbed far below. Hands held high, he intoned, 'I name you 'New Mother' after the manner of The People, who considered old Earth their mother. Nestle your new son to your breast and nourish him for the rest of his days.'

He lowered his hands and stood looking out at the panorama of hills and valleys. Far into the distance lay craggy, snow-covered mountains. It was good. He was home. He knelt and refolded his medicine bundle, ending the ritual, and started down the steep slope to his newly-constructed log hogan. He had at one time considered one of Voyager's modular shelters, similar to that he and Kathryn had lived in on New Earth, but he had decided against it. He would take no technology, such as phaser, tricorder or replicator. If he was going to have any peace of mind, it would have to begin with the old ways. He wanted no reminders.

Many weeks after Chakotay left, Kathryn sat in her ready room, her customary cup of coffee cooling on her desk. She stared at it blankly, all conscious thought momentarily suspended. Her mind ran of its own volition, seemingly on a higher plane. She didn't want to go any further as things were. It was barely tolerable. The crew had adjusted well to the new situation, but to her it all felt so wrong. Who would have thought that the wary Maquis renegade would permeate her life so completely in all its aspects: professionally - personally - emotionally? Who would have known that during the journey she would come to realize she could not live without the warrior she had met on her bridge that day?

 _It's been weeks,_ one part of her mind informed her. _You can't turn Voyager around now. It's over._ And another part, not so logical and full of pain, argued back vehemently. _Go back. Use the highest warp to save time. What's a few weeks to 60 years home? Go back and talk to him! Make him come back! You need him, Kathryn!_

Suddenly, as if it were a separate entity, that part of her mind prevailed. Kathryn made a swift decision and opened communications with Tuvok, who ordered Tom Paris to reverse course immediately, no questions asked. She was going back after Chakotay to persuade him to return. As to what the crew's reaction would be, she didn't particularly care. She had to try.

Voyager swung slowly around in space then raised its nacelles. Warp 7 was initiated and the ship shot off in the direction of the planet on which they had left Chakotay.

Kathryn remained in her ready room, unwilling to face the bridge crew until she had dried all traces of the tears on her cheeks. On the bridge, Tom sat grinning to himself at his console and shot Harry a knowing look. Tuvok, occupying the Captain's chair, caught the exchange and frowned. _Humans,_ he thought, _will they never stop letting their hearts overrule their heads?_

New Mother had visitors, and from the looks of them, unfriendly ones. An unfamiliar shuttle had landed in a clearing not far from the hogan and Chakotay, hidden in the brush, watched as three humanoid aliens emerged, weapons in hand. Pieces of a shelter were unloaded and swiftly constructed. Racks were erected and a smoking pit dug. The three stood in the center of the clearing, deep in discussion, pointing this way and that. Chakotay was struck with their resemblance to Nausicaans, a cold, cruel race of beings who had populated parts of the Alpha Quadrant. He continued to observe them quietly, not daring to move, while they went about preparations for what looked like a hunting party.

'I'm taking a shuttle down, Tuvok. I have to speak to the Comm-...to Chakotay alone. Meanwhile let's make this delay worth something. I want Voyager to proceed to the next planet in the system - scans show metals and minerals. Set up mining operations and stock Voyager with as much as you can. I'll be in contact in three days.'

'Captain, I must protest against your going alone. A security team would be the logical -'

'I understand your caution, Tuvok, but please try to understand. I have to do this alone.'

'Very well, Captain.'

Kathryn emerged from the shuttle, sweeping the area with her tricorder. _These were his coordinates_ , she thought, _It'll be difficult scanning for him without his comm badge..._ She slipped her phaser into its holster and set off to search for him. She made her way further into the dense forest, parting branches as she went. A small clearing opened up before her. To the side was some type of prefabricated shelter and there was a fire smoldering. She waited, scanning the area carefully, phaser at the ready. Nothing registered on her tricorder. _This can't be Chakotay's! Where did that shelter come from? Why is all that wild game hung up? He's a vegetarian!_

Cautiously, Kathryn stepped forward out of the brush. Startled, she swiftly fired her phaser; too late, it was knocked out of her hand. Rough, leathery hands grabbed her and threw her to the ground. Valiantly she fought and kicked. _Aliens! Who are they?! They must have killed him!_ she thought in agony. _They've killed Chakotay!_

Everything went black.

Consciousness returned. Kathryn opened her eyes, dizzy and disoriented. Her first sensation was pain. She attempted to rise but failed; she was caught on something. Through her hazy vision she could make out in the dim light some sort of structure. Where was she? The question became too much to cope with and she drifted slowly back into the darkness.

Without knowing why, Kathryn grew to fear the darkness. It came without warning and always brought pain. She would vaguely remember feeling terrified afterward. When awareness returned the harsher, unbearable sensations would be gone, replaced by lesser ones. Only in the darkness would the terror again arise. Having now reawakened, she was determined to remain alert enough to discover just what her predicament was.

Unable to move or see in the dim light, Kathryn strained her other senses for feedback. She heard nothing except the rustle of leaves on the trees outside, wind currents whistling, and her own raspy breathing. She smelled blood and a strange, alien stench that made her queasy. She felt herself restrained on some type of table. Unable to even raise her head, she attempted to break whatever bonds held her. Fresh pain assaulted her; she gritted her teeth until it passed, fighting panic. Her neck stung; something was imbedded in her neck. The memory of a sensation like a thin line of fire shooting up into her head suggested an intravenous line, perhaps. Was this some sort of laboratory? Were these aliens performing experiments on her? If so, what, short of dissection, would make her body throb and burn, inside and out?

Knowing now what in all likelihood had happened to her, Kathryn steeled herself, relying on Starfleet training to sustain her. From it she drew the strength she had called on years before when captured by the Cardassians. So sure was she of Chakotay's death she could only fasten her hopes on Voyager, who would be coming back for her in three days - as agreed, however reluctantly, by Tuvok. The problem was, how long had she been here? She had no way of knowing. She thought of her ship. _Voyager! Her only haven of safety!_

More alert now, Kathryn was aware of voices outside speaking incomprensible language. Her Universal Translator was gone. Before she could try to voice a protest, hoping they would understand her tone at least, a machine hummed into her ear and she felt the fire begin again to sear her neck. Terrified of the agonizing darkness now closing in yet again, she saw Tuvok's fierce, disapproving face hovering behind her eyelids, insisting she take a security team...

 _Wind. Soft raindrops. Cold. Loud, rustling noises._ These sensations drifted in and out of Kathryn's consciousness as she lay in the grassy thicket where her captors had carelessly discarded her. Meaningless time passed, bringing with it stronger wind and more biting cold, the grasses whipping her awake enough to groan her agony. As if in a dream, she heard footsteps - _or was it branches cracking? Were they returning for her?!_

The grasses parted from over her and she heard a low cry of recognition; her own name repeated again and again, and though she tried, she could not respond. The voice sounded familiar. Warm, gentle hands on her body; then the cozy warmth of something soft surrounding her. She was being lifted; the trees spun in circles creating a vortex. _The wind must be lifting her just as it made the trees spin. No, it couldn't be the wind. She was no longer cold._ Through the haze of pain and nausea she knew the safe haven she had longed for had come for her at last. _Voyager_. _Her ship now carried her away from hell itself. But no...this wasn't Voyager... Cold titanium couldn't feel this warm and comforting..._

Chakotay did what he could. He had no way of signaling Voyager with Kathryn's equipment gone and himself with none. There was no medical equipment. What he had was the medicines of his tribe. All the while he prepared the plants, cooking them down into a paste for Kathryn's many wounds, he cursed himself for leaving her in the first place. He should have realized that she would come after him. He blamed himself now for the unforeseen incident, as if he could have somehow prevented it.

His tears mixed with the boiling paste as he stirred it, not caused by the hot, acrid fumes but by his inconsolable grief. Through his fault, however unintentional, Kathryn now lay ravaged and bruised on his bed on the floor of the hogan.

No tricorder, phaser or comm badge had he found in the area where he stumbled upon Kathryn. In making his daily check to the site to monitor the movement of the aliens, Chakotay had been relieved to discover them gone - for good, he hoped. His head snapped up at a sound from the distance, low moaning. He followed the sound to its source, expecting to see disabled game cruelly not yet killed. Instead, he was shocked to see Kathryn Janeway lying crumpled deep in the grasses, blue with cold.

A warm fire blazed within the hogan. Now Chakotay tended Kathryn, brushing away leaves, his large gentle hands tender on her skin. The warm paste was applied to her many cuts and bruises. He placed a cool cloth on her feverish forehead and a warm cover over her. It was all he could do. He cradled her in his arms, dropped his head and cried.

It was morning. The light shone through the window of the hogan, bathing the bed in a pale glow. It struck Kathryn across the face, waking her. She kept her eyes shut against the light. The air she breathed carried with it a scent so familiar to her for a moment she thought she was back on Voyager. He was dead, wasn't he? Without knowing why, she whispered his name.

'Chakotay?'

Chakotay had slept at her side all night, one arm protectively over her. He lifted his head at the sound of her voice.

'I'm here, Kathryn. You're safe now. They're gone.'

 _They hadn't killed him!_ That comforting knowledge along with those three short statements were all she needed for now. She slept.

By Chakotay's careful nursing and her own strength, Kathryn was much improved by evening. That night, he propped her up in his bed and fed her soup. She ate only a little before leaning back, exhausted. He answered her terse questions about her missing equipment and explained why she had been unable to detect the hunters on her tricorder.

'They have individual force fields generating from themselves and their equipment, Kathryn. I saw the evidence of that when the wind blew dust at them and it flowed over the surface of the field. I don't think any scan would have picked them up. There's no way you could have known they were there. I stumbled on them by accident. Did you come down here alone?'

She nodded tiredly. 'Tuvok wanted me to take a security team...'

'You should have.' He paused. 'Kathryn, I know you brought Voyager all the way back here because of me.'

She nodded again, not looking at him. 'I flew a shuttle in. It's further back in the woods. I sent Voyager on a mining mission - it's going enter orbit in three days. What day is this?'

'I think it must be the second night since your arrival. I've been monitoring that site every day to make sure those hunters left. I didn't want them as neighbors.'

He set the rest of the uneaten soup aside. She still had not met his eyes. He made gentle conversation about things that he knew would interest her, avoiding the painful topic of her attack.

'...and this planet is even more similar to home than New Earth. No plasma storms. The worst weather I've seen has been normal thunderstorms. No ion lightning. After the mining operations are done, maybe the crew would like shore leave here. I wouldn't mind some company. It would be nice to see everyone again.'

He laid another blanket over her; the night had brought cooler air with it. 'I think it would be best if you got some rest, now.'

'Chakotay - I want you to come back to Voyager.'

'Why don't we talk about that later. Here - this will help you sleep. It's safe. My mother made it for my father on those occasions when he couldn't sleep from worrying about me when I decided to join Starfleet.'

She met his eyes for the first time and managed a small smile. He helped her drink the bitter liquid from the smooth wooden cup.

'We'll talk in the morning, if you feel better. I have an idea of my own I'd like to discuss with you.'

'No hints?', she smiled weakly.

'That sounds familiar. Rest and get well, Kathryn. I'll be right here.'

Kathryn was awake the next morning when Chakotay came in bearing a breakfast of cut-up fruit and juices. He sat on the floor beside her while she ate, grateful to see the return of her appetite. Her color was good and the fever was gone. The medicines of his people had gone far to heal her, physically at any rate. Whether she would be able to cope with the psychological aspects of the attack would be something else again. He hoped the holographic Doctor on board Voyager would be able to help her to deal with that. For now, she seemed to have buried the memory of the ordeal behind a stubborn, professional façade.

He watched her finish the juice and set the cup down with precision. By that familiar gesture he knew from experience that a long, serious talk would follow. He intended to stand firm; her injured condition was no excuse to patronize her and tell her what she wanted to hear just to make her feel better. He waited patiently, allowing her to collect her thoughts.

'Chakotay.'

'Yes, Kathryn?'

'We have to talk about this. About why you left.'

'Let me ask _you_ something. Why did you come back for me?'

'I want you to return to Voyager. There have been organizational changes but they can be revised. Tuvok is a Vulcan; he won't dispute the necessity of stepping down so you can...'

'No, Kathryn. There's no need for all that. I'm not returning. I stand by my decision to remain here permanently. Is that the only reason you came back - to reclaim your First Officer? Is Tuvok so incompetent? Or were the mining operations themselves considered important enough to double back after six weeks?'

 _He's resorting to sarcasm. That's not like him,_ she thought, distressed. _He thinks I don't care. He doesn't know how much I love him. I've never shown him anything to make him believe I do._ She hesitated a long moment. How much should she reveal to him of her deepest feelings? Feelings that had been kept locked up for so long that she barely knew how to let them out. She had finally admitted to herself how much she loved him. How could she tell him? And why would he want her now? Desperate to convince him, she stumbled over the words.

'We need you, Chakotay. I...I need you.'

'Kathryn, we've been together for three years, nearly four, and you don't even know me. You don't need me. For all your executive requirements you have Tuvok, who just might have been a better choice in the first place.' Chakotay's voice quivered slightly as he continued. 'You don't need me - not in the way I had hoped to be needed. You have to have known how I've felt about you - how I still feel. I've needed _you_ \- longed for you - _loved_ you! - since the time we spent on New Earth. I fell in love with you then. I fell in love with you before then, I just didn't want to admit it to myself. When we were together on that planet I was happy. I wanted to make you happy. But it didn't work out, and it's been hell for me ever since. That's why I left, and why I can never go back. I couldn't stand living the same scenario, Kathryn. I'm not that strong.'

She had never heard him speak this way. The knowledge of the depth of the love she had resisted for so long now overwhelmed her. She dropped her head into her hands and cried. The determined Captain was gone, replaced suddenly by a woman in more pain than Chakotay could have imagined.

Chakotay moved closer and reached out, placing his hands lightly on her shoulders. She didn't flinch and he drew her slowly into his arms.

'Kathryn.' he whispered softly into her ear. 'Kathryn.'

She clung to him as she cried, shaking, his shirt front soon wet with her tears. She had never allowed herself this luxury and now after so many years of being a tower of strength, she was at last releasing long-pent-up emotions: pain, regret, grief, and anger at the agonizing memory of the rape. She cried for him and for herself. Chakotay brought her blanketed body gently into his lap and firmly enfolded her into his arms, her head against his chest, her arms clinging fiercely around his waist. He stroked her hair and whispered to her, so softly she could not understand his words, but the comforting sound of that honeyed vanilla voice was soothing in itself. She grew quiet at last and relaxed in his arms, tiredly content with being held so intimately. Chakotay sat quietly for a long while, then spoke.

'Kathryn, do you remember me telling you that I had something to talk to you about?'

She nodded against his chest.

'Listen to me, for it's something you might want to consider. I don't want to place another burden on your shoulders - it's always been a policy of mine to take them off.'

'I know,' she sighed.

He took her shoulders and held her away from him, brushing tears from her cheeks. He peered into her face, concern and love evident in his face, in his eyes. She waited for him to speak.

'Kathryn - did it ever occur to you to stay here with me?'

Her eyes grew round with surprise, then her face assumed its Captain's expression. 'How can I leave Voyager?'

'As easily as I did. You may not want to believe this, Kathryn, but no one is indispensable.'

She shook her head. 'Chakotay...I _promised_ to get the crew home. I can't let them down; I'm responsible for them. You've been a Captain, you know what that means. Starfleet -'

He raised his voice slightly in exasperation. 'Forget Starfleet! Forget the ship! I know you promised them. But did you ever stop to think that maybe they're perfectly capable of getting themselves home? If they want to go back bad enough, they'll do it. It's a long damned way. Some of them will probably do as I have done - build a life here somewhere. If nothing else, I know damned well Tuvok can get them back. You're responsible for one person, Kathryn: _yourself_. And you've been letting that person down - badly!'

She looked up at him, now ineffably sad. 'I can't stay here with you, Chakotay. It's not right. It's ruined now. You can't possibly want me now.'

'After what happened? Why would that make a difference, Kathryn? If you had been killed - that would have made a difference, yes. You would be gone from me. But you're here. You've lived through a terrible experience, one that you may never forget. You'll either have to live with the memory or learn how to bury it. You'll need time. There's plenty of that here. When you're ready for love, there's plenty of that, too. I'll be here to help you. You'll be all right eventually, because you're one tough lady. Nothing else matters. Understood?! Nothing else matters! Stay with me, Kathryn.'

Her eyes filled with tears. He grasped her shoulders in hands that shook. _'Stay with me, Kathryn!'_

The senior officers were already seated around the conference table when Captain Tuvok entered and took his chair. He folded his hands and began with out preamble.

'You are all aware of the fact that Kathryn Janeway and Chakotay have chosen to remain behind on the planet below. I have been entrusted with articles and messages to be given to their families and friends upon our return. Voyager will continue toward the Alpha Quadrant as planned. We will therefore begin immediately to reorganize the command structure of the ship. I would like all your recommendations by 0800 hours, and I would like to see Mr. Paris in my ready room immediately after this meeting.

May I say now that Captain Kathryn Janeway and Commander Chakotay were of the finest caliber of Starfleet officer, examples to you all in your new endeavors. I know each of you will continue to perform according to their standards; that each of you will be all that they would expect you to be, and that you will continue to work together to get this ship home. We will miss them, but they will remain with us in memory. May they live long and prosper.'

The End


End file.
